I've Migrated to WordPress
20 November 2011
Thought it was time for a fresh start after many failed attempts at refreshing the theme for this blog. The new address for anyone who still reads (probably no one) the blog is: http://kuronekodoumei.wordpress.com/
Posted byHocchan at 10:19 am 0 comments
Mata Kimi Ni Koishiteru
27 December 2010
Well, Christmas is over for another year. I would like to say 'good riddance' but, rather surprisingly, I quite enjoyed it this year. Normally I would spend Christmas Day all alone and wishing I could hibernate until Spring. However, this year the gods must have been feeling quite generous. I was invited to a Christmas party by some Korean friends. I don't usually like going to parties as they're rather loud and obnoxious affairs at the best of times, but this was more like a gathering of friends than a party so I decided to go along. We all made some food and had a Christmas meal together. Was quite possibly the strangest Christmas dinner I have ever had but it was also quite possibly the most enjoyable as well.
After dinner we spent the rest of the night messing around with fruit and talking about various philosophical topics in broken Japanese. I'm glad I've managed to find some kind and generous friends in the short time I have been in Japan. I can quite safely say that this country has the most friendly people I have ever met. It's taken awhile, but I think I can say I'm beginning feel glad that I'm in Japan. Thinking about it, it's already been three months since I left the UK. I'm already about 25% of the way through my year abroad, yet it feels like it has only just started in earnest. I'm looking forward to being able to really make the most of my time here when 2011 arrives.
Posted byHocchan at 8:41 am 0 comments
Merry Christmas, Deshou?
24 December 2010
Here's to a very lonely Christmas! Hope everyone is going to have a very merry Christmas! Please celebrate for me as well, as I won't be able to enjoy it very much this year.
Posted byHocchan at 3:00 pm 0 comments
Out-of-Date
23 December 2010
The information in the sidebars is so hopelessly out-of-date that it's rather embarrassing to look at. I'll have to update them as soon as possible. Tomorrow... can't be arsed right now ^^
Posted byHocchan at 1:45 pm 0 comments
Ame Futte Ji Katamaru
As Jill Valentine once said in Resident Evil 3: Nemesis, 'I'm still alive'. Although, there were a few times during these past couple of months when I wished I wasn't. I'm not going to lie; life has been challenging, nay, gruelling since my break up in November. I was seriously contemplating jacking it all in and returning to the UK back then. I owe everything to my amazing friends who kept me going through that tough period with their words of comfort and encouragement. If it wasn't for them, I can say with certainty that I would be back in miserable, dreary England right now with no future prospects. But instead, thanks to them, I'm still here in Japan, fighting and slowly remembering what I'd been working for all these years. I'm not fully recovered yet, though, that's going to take a bit longer. I've made mistakes that I wish I hadn't, and I'm regretting ever having been so weak-willed and cowardly to allow them to happen. I'm really going to have to work really hard next year to atone for all the bad things I've done to people this year. Rest assured, I will become a better person.
With only two days until Christmas and nine days until 2011, I'm beginning to look back on 2010 and review the last twelve months. Like those proverbial football matches, this year really has been a 'game of two halves'. For the first half, life really couldn't have been much better. I was in a happy relationship, I was on my way to Japan, and I was enjoying each day that came. However, things really turned to shit during the second half of the year. My relationship was in trouble, I was miserable, and I was wishing I was somewhere else a lot of the time. To be perfectly honest, I can't wait for midnight on the 31st December to tick around so I can resign this year into the annals of history. I'm looking forward to being able to make a fresh start in 2011 and being able to recover even a small piece of that happiness that was so cruelly torn from me. Not long to go now, just got to hold on for a little longer. Wish me luck!
Posted byHocchan at 12:49 pm 0 comments
Day 47 - Losing The Battle
31 October 2010
Things are not good at the moment. I'm feeling the worst I've been since I arrived in Japan. This last week has been pretty shitty to say the least. It had all been looking quite good up until last Monday. I'd gone to visit my girlfriend for her birthday and we had a really enjoyable time together. But as soon as I left and returned back to Yamaguchi university my mood suddenly plummeted and I found myself getting really depressed again. I don't know what it is exactly that's making me so unhappy. I believe it might have something to do with the sudden separation from my girlfriend again. Having had such a good time over the weekend it must have hit me that I'm not going to see her again for at least another month. It's kind of like the trough after the massive peak. I hope I'm going to be able to recover from this current spell of depression. My fighting spirit has well and truly been extinguished and I'm finding myself floating around in the doldrums of despair.
I should be happy, I know that. I'm in Japan; the place I've wanted to be in for years. But things haven't turned out as I expected. Yamaguchi is not the image I had of Japan, and the fact that I'm now in a relationship but separated from her by hundreds of miles is killing me inside. Had I been single I don't think I would be having so many problems right now. But that's not to say that I wish we weren't together. I love my girlfriend (perhaps too much sometimes) and I wouldn't want to be without her. It's just that, at the moment, I can't help but look forward to next August when I'll be able to go back home. I'm constantly looking forward to the near future and wishing the days and weeks would pass quicker. It's only been just over a month since I've arrived so there's time for my feelings to change. But at the moment the future isn't looking too bright...
Posted byHocchan at 6:15 am 0 comments
I Hate That Bastard!
25 October 2010
I really, really do!
Posted byHocchan at 6:09 am 0 comments
Day 24 - The Trenches
08 October 2010
The situation has become like the long, drawn-out trench warfare of World War I. Every day there seems to be a new enemy to fight. And every day is an uphill struggle to avoid falling into the pits of despair again. I don’t know why it’s become like this again. It was all going so well only a week or so ago. But recently it seems to be getting a lot tougher to keep my spirits up. While I still have enjoyable moments throughout each day, whenever there’s a lull in proceedings I tend to feel a sense of uneasiness wash over me. And no matter how much I keep trying to tell myself that it’s only a temporary spell, I can’t help but worry that it’s becoming more frequent and more tangible with each occurrence. I fear that I may be turning back into the person I swore I would not become ever again. If that happened then I would lose everything I’ve worked so hard for, and that’s probably the biggest demon I face right now – the fear of returning to a state of depressive paranoia.
The war is by no means lost, however, I still have plenty of fighting spirit left in me. I have the determination and the willpower to overcome this obstacle. I’m not going to let all that’s precious to me slip out of my grasp again. I refuse to be beaten. I will succeed. I will be happy.
Posted byHocchan at 10:14 pm 0 comments
Day 19 - The Tide Is Turning
04 October 2010
It's been awhile since I've written a status report. It's partly due to the lack of internet in my room and partly due to the fact that there have been a lot of things to do since arriving in Japan. Unfortunately, it seems as though it’s going to take a little bit longer until I get internet in my room. There seems to be some sort of problem with my application but I’m not entirely sure what that problem is. They’ve told me to call them but I’m not very confident about being able to understand what they’ll say if it’s something technical. I might have to get someone to help make the call for me. Why can’t anything ever be simple? *sigh*
That last sigh brings me onto the current status of my psyche. While it’s been fairly good for the last week or so, I’ve noticed that the negative thoughts are slowly, but surely, creeping back into my head again. It feels like the tides of war are turning, and not in my favour. It’s not that I’m letting them control my actions again. It’s just that it seems to take a lot more effort to remain positive and dispel the negative thoughts from my head. It gets very tiring after a while if you constantly have to cheer yourself up. I’m feeling despondent at times, even though I shouldn’t be. I’m fighting it, I really am. But it’s a war of attrition at the moment…
Posted byHocchan at 8:53 pm 0 comments
I Really Don't Like Ube/Yamaguchi
27 September 2010
I don’t have an internet connection at the moment but I’m going to write this now so I can see if my opinion has changed by the time I publish it. I arrived at my university in Yamaguchi a few hours ago. Although it was a really nice, sunny day when I set off from Nagoya, by the time I reached Okayama it had begun to go cloudy. And by the time I arrived in Yamaguchi it was pissing it down. The rain seemed to get heavier as I rode on the local train to my destination too. It wasn’t exactly the most reassuring of welcomes… The countryside was really mountainous and full of rice fields. Dotted throughout the landscape were small, traditional Japanese houses, which I assume would have looked very picturesque had it not been pissing it down all over the place. Every now and again there would be a few more built-up areas that seemed to have some large stores. But it was nothing like Nagoya.
I think I may have inadvertently created a culture shock for myself by visiting a big city like Nagoya as soon as I arrived in Japan. The place where I am at now is nothing like that. It’s most definitely more on the rural side of Japan, and even though it’s classified as a city, it doesn’t really feel like one in most places. I haven’t had any time to explore the area yet (what with the rain and the lack of daylight) but there doesn’t seem to be very much around. There does appear to be a few large supermarkets near the campus, though, so that’s not too bad. And there’s even a Uniqlo here, if this map is to be believed. Any place that has a Uniqlo can’t be too bad; although I can’t imagine the shop being very big…
I think the biggest disappointment has to be my room. While I got my wish and ended up on the second floor (third if you use Japanese/American system), the quality of the accommodation is really poor. I know the rent is really cheap (not that cheap once you add all the utility bills onto it, though) but it should be a bit better than it is. The furniture that they’ve given me is really old and dirty, and the bathroom is tiny and doesn’t even have a proper shower basin. And the worst part is there are tons of little cockroaches and beetles crawling out of every little crevice. I’ve already vacuumed up about 30 of the bastards since arriving, but I think there are loads more hiding somewhere. I’m going to have to see if I can get some traps or something for them.
I’m not sure how long it will take for me to get an internet connection in my room, but it seems like it will take the best part of this week at least to set everything up. I’m told that there are computers to use in the library that’s on the campus but I can’t go in until I’ve made my library card. I’m supposed to be heading into the city tomorrow to register for my alien card, open a bank account, and register for the health insurance. I’ve also been given a bike to use (I say given, I had to pay for it) but if it’s raining again tomorrow I doubt I’ll be able to use it yet. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get a prepaid mobile phone in the next couple of days so I can at least e-mail my girlfriend without needing an internet connection. I’ll see how it goes. Right now I’m tired from today’s travelling and the shock, so I’m going to bed.
Posted byHocchan at 9:48 pm 0 comments
Day 3 - Onwards And Upwards
19 September 2010
Things have been going quite well. I'm still feeling very upbeat and confident about my life. I've been putting a lot of effort into making the most of each day. I'm slowly getting towards where I want to be. The will to fight for what I wish for is still burning in my heart, and I'm going to keep that flame alive forever. Meanwhile, the excitement about going to Japan is beginning to creep up on me, slowly but surely. I don't think it will reach full power until I'm actually on my way to the airport, though. At which point, I'll know that the moment has arrived and that there's no turning back; the moment that I've been waiting for for two years. I'm slightly nervous about leaving the country for a whole year, but I'm also equally excited about the new possibilities that may present themselves in Japan. The thing I'm most looking forward to, though, is the chance to see my girlfriend in Nagoya ^^. I'm really looking forward to the moment when I'll be able to hold her in my arms again. I can't wait until that day!
Posted byHocchan at 11:39 pm 0 comments
Day 1 - A New Hope
17 September 2010
Today has been the most enjoyable and relaxing day for a long time. While there are still some worries and fears in my mind, they're not popping up in my thoughts anywhere as often as they did before. And more importantly, I'm now refusing to let them control my life. I refuse to be a slave to my negativity and irrational thoughts and behaviours anymore. I'm going to show them that I'm a strong person and I can beat this. I will succeed, there's no other outcome in my eyes. I know it's going to take time to fully recover from this debilitating unhappiness that has plagued me for so long, but I'm taking each day as it comes. And I know, if I put 100% of my effort into moving on everyday, then I'll eventually become a better person for it. And I'll be happy. I'm doing this for myself, and also for the person I love. I want them to see the real me, the person who they fell in love with originally. I will succeed! Zettai katsu! Rooooooooar!
Posted byHocchan at 11:53 pm 0 comments
Making A Wish Come True
I had a bit of an epiphany this morning while I was sleeping. When I woke up I suddenly realised what was important. That it's all well and good wishing for things to turn out alright. But in order to give the wish the best chance of coming true, you have to actually get up off your backside and put 100% of your effort and energy into making it happen. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to fight til my last breath from now on. That's a promise to myself.
Posted byHocchan at 5:14 pm 0 comments
Making A Wish
16 September 2010
Wishing with all my soul that things are going to be alright. Please be OK.
Posted byHocchan at 8:54 pm 0 comments
Le Sigh... Part 4
12 September 2010
And so it continues. I really thought I was finally getting somewhere last night but today it's gone downhill again. It's such a shame because I was hoping that I was going to be able to have a much better day today. I had high hopes for today when I went to bed last night but it seems like they were premature. Is it really all my fault? I really can't tell anymore. I've been in the same state of mind for so long now I don't know what's normal anymore. All I know is that I'm continuing to feel depressed for whatever reason. There are times when I do cheer up but these tend to be for a short period of time and are few and far between. I've tried my best, I really have. But it feels as though all my efforts have been rather futile at the moment since I'm not receiving the support I need. I can't do this on my own...
Posted byHocchan at 5:12 pm 0 comments
Self-Inflicted Injuries
11 September 2010
Gah! Why do I keep doing this to myself? I know it's going to make me upset but I can't stop myself from looking at Facebook photos. I've gone and made myself unhappy now by doing that... I'm such an idiot. It's such a horrible catch-22 situation though. If I do look at them then I make myself depressed. If I don't look at them then I just imagine the worst possible things that my mind can make up, no matter how unlikely they are. I think my mind just loves to torment me with upsetting scenarios. Plus I have an insatiable need to know what's going on all the time. Otherwise I'll feel like I'm left out of the loop. But then when I do know what's going on, it turns out that I actually am left out of the loop anyway. So either way, I end up feeling like shit. Fuck my shitty little life...
Posted byHocchan at 9:33 pm 0 comments
Le Sigh... Part 3
Apart from a few brief moments before bed last night and again earlier this afternoon, I've yet to get over the debilitating depression that has gripped hold of me recently. It seems like I spend 90% of the day feeling like crap, and the other 10% is spent trying to take my mind off the depression (usually unsuccessfully). What's worse is that the person who I most wish would take notice of my pain seems oblivious to my suffering. This in itself makes my depression worse when I think about it. And I'm always thinking about it. I can't seem to stop myself from constantly having depressing or negative thoughts. It's even gotten to the stage where I feel the depression physically in my chest. It feels like there's a huge weight pressing down on me. And my sleep pattern has been totally messed up. I spend most of the day feeling exhausted and sleepy, but when I try to sleep I end up waking up every few hours. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks. I don't think that is helping the situation.
I still don't know what is causing this horrible feeling of unhappiness. At least not exactly. I have a general idea of what it is but I can't tell whether my judgement is being clouded by the depression. I really wish there was some way to solve this problem but I just can't see it. It would help if the most important person in my life would lend me some assistance. But it just doesn't seem to be happening at the moment. So I end up feeling all alone, completely forgotten about. I don't think I've been this unhappy for many years.
Posted byHocchan at 5:53 pm 3 comments
Captain's Log: Stardate Something Something
09 September 2010
Things haven't really gotten much better. In fact they might have even gotten a little worse. I've now resorted to hiding any news that involves seeing photos on my Facebook News Feed reel. It might be a little extreme but I really can't cope with seeing any more photos. It kills me inside everytime I do. I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't see it getting any better in the near future. At least not until I go to Japan in just under two weeks. What's even worse is that I haven't even spoken to my girlfriend in quite a while. Fuck my life...
Posted byHocchan at 4:16 pm 0 comments
Psychoanalytical
08 September 2010
It's time for another self-diagnosis psychiatry session. I tend to do these a lot when I want to find out exactly what's troubling me. I don't know if they actually help or not but it seems to be a helpful way of relieving the depression for a little while. I tend to think about things in my head constantly. I find it very hard to actually switch off and not think about anything. I'm always trying to go through itineraries for future events, or go over past events trying to find reasons for things or wondering what I could have done differently. Often it can lead to some rather frustrating thoughts. Plus it really doesn't help me get to sleep at night when my mind is constantly whirring away.
Anyway, time for the self-diagnosis. I've been trying to figure out why I get so unhappy when I see photos of my girlfriend in Japan on Facebook. From what I can figure out, it seems to be because by seeing these photos it reminds me everytime of the fact that, for a whole year or more, I'm not going to be able to share these moments with her. Mainly due to the distance between us and our schedules, but also because the stupid place that she's staying at has such dickish rules. When I see any pictures of her looking happy it dawns on me that I'm not there to see that or experience it with her. And that really kills me inside. It makes me jealous of all the people who are there to see all these moments, and it makes me depressed because I feel left out. I would say those are the reasons that I get so unhappy.
Unfortunately, I don't really see how I can solve this problem. I can't really change anything the situation. The only thing I can do is try to stop myself from having these negative thoughts and feelings. But that is no easy task. And my attempt at staying away from Facebook didn't last very long at all. I simply cannot stay away from there because, even though it makes me unhappy, I still want to see what's going on in her life. It's a horrible lose/lose predicament I find myself in. I just hope that I'll be able to resolve it soon and finally be at peace for the first time in weeks.
Posted byHocchan at 5:48 pm 0 comments
Le Sigh... Part 2
07 September 2010
Well, I'm not angry anymore. But that doesn't mean I've very happy. The anger has been replaced with depression and general feelings of melancholy. I don't know why things always seem to descend into the pits of despair so quickly for me. It must be a psychological thing. As a result, I've decided to attempt to stop looking at Facebook for the next few days. I don't know how long this endeavour will actually last but it's something I think I need to do. Because, you see, some of the problems actually stem from Facebook itself. The reason being that I'm one of the last people from my course to actually go to Japan. 90% of the class have already been in Japan for about a week and they're having lots of fun (obviously). This includes my girlfriend. The problem arises when they post their photos of Japan on Facebook. It's stupid to hear myself say this, but when I keep getting bombarded with pictures of everyone having fun, while I'm stuck here in rainy UK doing not very much it kind of makes me angry/depressed. I think I'm jealous of them for having fun while I'm not able to join in.
I know that it's a stupid thing to feel, but it's not exactly like I can help what I feel. The worst part is being apart from my girlfriend while she's thousands of miles away, having a lot of fun without me. It makes me feel so left out. I often wonder what I've done to deserve all this unhappiness. All I can attempt to do is to forget about everything for awhile and concentrate of something else for a change. Maybe in time I'll be able to come to terms with everything that's making me unhappy. I really, really wish I was in Japan right now though...but alas I don't leave for another 15 days.
Posted byHocchan at 3:30 pm 0 comments
