I Really Don't Like Ube/Yamaguchi
27 September 2010
I don’t have an internet connection at the moment but I’m going to write this now so I can see if my opinion has changed by the time I publish it. I arrived at my university in Yamaguchi a few hours ago. Although it was a really nice, sunny day when I set off from Nagoya, by the time I reached Okayama it had begun to go cloudy. And by the time I arrived in Yamaguchi it was pissing it down. The rain seemed to get heavier as I rode on the local train to my destination too. It wasn’t exactly the most reassuring of welcomes… The countryside was really mountainous and full of rice fields. Dotted throughout the landscape were small, traditional Japanese houses, which I assume would have looked very picturesque had it not been pissing it down all over the place. Every now and again there would be a few more built-up areas that seemed to have some large stores. But it was nothing like Nagoya.
I think I may have inadvertently created a culture shock for myself by visiting a big city like Nagoya as soon as I arrived in Japan. The place where I am at now is nothing like that. It’s most definitely more on the rural side of Japan, and even though it’s classified as a city, it doesn’t really feel like one in most places. I haven’t had any time to explore the area yet (what with the rain and the lack of daylight) but there doesn’t seem to be very much around. There does appear to be a few large supermarkets near the campus, though, so that’s not too bad. And there’s even a Uniqlo here, if this map is to be believed. Any place that has a Uniqlo can’t be too bad; although I can’t imagine the shop being very big…
I think the biggest disappointment has to be my room. While I got my wish and ended up on the second floor (third if you use Japanese/American system), the quality of the accommodation is really poor. I know the rent is really cheap (not that cheap once you add all the utility bills onto it, though) but it should be a bit better than it is. The furniture that they’ve given me is really old and dirty, and the bathroom is tiny and doesn’t even have a proper shower basin. And the worst part is there are tons of little cockroaches and beetles crawling out of every little crevice. I’ve already vacuumed up about 30 of the bastards since arriving, but I think there are loads more hiding somewhere. I’m going to have to see if I can get some traps or something for them.
I’m not sure how long it will take for me to get an internet connection in my room, but it seems like it will take the best part of this week at least to set everything up. I’m told that there are computers to use in the library that’s on the campus but I can’t go in until I’ve made my library card. I’m supposed to be heading into the city tomorrow to register for my alien card, open a bank account, and register for the health insurance. I’ve also been given a bike to use (I say given, I had to pay for it) but if it’s raining again tomorrow I doubt I’ll be able to use it yet. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get a prepaid mobile phone in the next couple of days so I can at least e-mail my girlfriend without needing an internet connection. I’ll see how it goes. Right now I’m tired from today’s travelling and the shock, so I’m going to bed.
Posted byHocchan at 9:48 pm 0 comments
Day 3 - Onwards And Upwards
19 September 2010
Things have been going quite well. I'm still feeling very upbeat and confident about my life. I've been putting a lot of effort into making the most of each day. I'm slowly getting towards where I want to be. The will to fight for what I wish for is still burning in my heart, and I'm going to keep that flame alive forever. Meanwhile, the excitement about going to Japan is beginning to creep up on me, slowly but surely. I don't think it will reach full power until I'm actually on my way to the airport, though. At which point, I'll know that the moment has arrived and that there's no turning back; the moment that I've been waiting for for two years. I'm slightly nervous about leaving the country for a whole year, but I'm also equally excited about the new possibilities that may present themselves in Japan. The thing I'm most looking forward to, though, is the chance to see my girlfriend in Nagoya ^^. I'm really looking forward to the moment when I'll be able to hold her in my arms again. I can't wait until that day!
Posted byHocchan at 11:39 pm 0 comments
Day 1 - A New Hope
17 September 2010
Today has been the most enjoyable and relaxing day for a long time. While there are still some worries and fears in my mind, they're not popping up in my thoughts anywhere as often as they did before. And more importantly, I'm now refusing to let them control my life. I refuse to be a slave to my negativity and irrational thoughts and behaviours anymore. I'm going to show them that I'm a strong person and I can beat this. I will succeed, there's no other outcome in my eyes. I know it's going to take time to fully recover from this debilitating unhappiness that has plagued me for so long, but I'm taking each day as it comes. And I know, if I put 100% of my effort into moving on everyday, then I'll eventually become a better person for it. And I'll be happy. I'm doing this for myself, and also for the person I love. I want them to see the real me, the person who they fell in love with originally. I will succeed! Zettai katsu! Rooooooooar!
Posted byHocchan at 11:53 pm 0 comments
Making A Wish Come True
I had a bit of an epiphany this morning while I was sleeping. When I woke up I suddenly realised what was important. That it's all well and good wishing for things to turn out alright. But in order to give the wish the best chance of coming true, you have to actually get up off your backside and put 100% of your effort and energy into making it happen. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to fight til my last breath from now on. That's a promise to myself.
Posted byHocchan at 5:14 pm 0 comments
Making A Wish
16 September 2010
Wishing with all my soul that things are going to be alright. Please be OK.
Posted byHocchan at 8:54 pm 0 comments
Le Sigh... Part 4
12 September 2010
And so it continues. I really thought I was finally getting somewhere last night but today it's gone downhill again. It's such a shame because I was hoping that I was going to be able to have a much better day today. I had high hopes for today when I went to bed last night but it seems like they were premature. Is it really all my fault? I really can't tell anymore. I've been in the same state of mind for so long now I don't know what's normal anymore. All I know is that I'm continuing to feel depressed for whatever reason. There are times when I do cheer up but these tend to be for a short period of time and are few and far between. I've tried my best, I really have. But it feels as though all my efforts have been rather futile at the moment since I'm not receiving the support I need. I can't do this on my own...
Posted byHocchan at 5:12 pm 0 comments
Self-Inflicted Injuries
11 September 2010
Gah! Why do I keep doing this to myself? I know it's going to make me upset but I can't stop myself from looking at Facebook photos. I've gone and made myself unhappy now by doing that... I'm such an idiot. It's such a horrible catch-22 situation though. If I do look at them then I make myself depressed. If I don't look at them then I just imagine the worst possible things that my mind can make up, no matter how unlikely they are. I think my mind just loves to torment me with upsetting scenarios. Plus I have an insatiable need to know what's going on all the time. Otherwise I'll feel like I'm left out of the loop. But then when I do know what's going on, it turns out that I actually am left out of the loop anyway. So either way, I end up feeling like shit. Fuck my shitty little life...
Posted byHocchan at 9:33 pm 0 comments
Le Sigh... Part 3
Apart from a few brief moments before bed last night and again earlier this afternoon, I've yet to get over the debilitating depression that has gripped hold of me recently. It seems like I spend 90% of the day feeling like crap, and the other 10% is spent trying to take my mind off the depression (usually unsuccessfully). What's worse is that the person who I most wish would take notice of my pain seems oblivious to my suffering. This in itself makes my depression worse when I think about it. And I'm always thinking about it. I can't seem to stop myself from constantly having depressing or negative thoughts. It's even gotten to the stage where I feel the depression physically in my chest. It feels like there's a huge weight pressing down on me. And my sleep pattern has been totally messed up. I spend most of the day feeling exhausted and sleepy, but when I try to sleep I end up waking up every few hours. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks. I don't think that is helping the situation.
I still don't know what is causing this horrible feeling of unhappiness. At least not exactly. I have a general idea of what it is but I can't tell whether my judgement is being clouded by the depression. I really wish there was some way to solve this problem but I just can't see it. It would help if the most important person in my life would lend me some assistance. But it just doesn't seem to be happening at the moment. So I end up feeling all alone, completely forgotten about. I don't think I've been this unhappy for many years.
Posted byHocchan at 5:53 pm 3 comments
Captain's Log: Stardate Something Something
09 September 2010
Things haven't really gotten much better. In fact they might have even gotten a little worse. I've now resorted to hiding any news that involves seeing photos on my Facebook News Feed reel. It might be a little extreme but I really can't cope with seeing any more photos. It kills me inside everytime I do. I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't see it getting any better in the near future. At least not until I go to Japan in just under two weeks. What's even worse is that I haven't even spoken to my girlfriend in quite a while. Fuck my life...
Posted byHocchan at 4:16 pm 0 comments
Psychoanalytical
08 September 2010
It's time for another self-diagnosis psychiatry session. I tend to do these a lot when I want to find out exactly what's troubling me. I don't know if they actually help or not but it seems to be a helpful way of relieving the depression for a little while. I tend to think about things in my head constantly. I find it very hard to actually switch off and not think about anything. I'm always trying to go through itineraries for future events, or go over past events trying to find reasons for things or wondering what I could have done differently. Often it can lead to some rather frustrating thoughts. Plus it really doesn't help me get to sleep at night when my mind is constantly whirring away.
Anyway, time for the self-diagnosis. I've been trying to figure out why I get so unhappy when I see photos of my girlfriend in Japan on Facebook. From what I can figure out, it seems to be because by seeing these photos it reminds me everytime of the fact that, for a whole year or more, I'm not going to be able to share these moments with her. Mainly due to the distance between us and our schedules, but also because the stupid place that she's staying at has such dickish rules. When I see any pictures of her looking happy it dawns on me that I'm not there to see that or experience it with her. And that really kills me inside. It makes me jealous of all the people who are there to see all these moments, and it makes me depressed because I feel left out. I would say those are the reasons that I get so unhappy.
Unfortunately, I don't really see how I can solve this problem. I can't really change anything the situation. The only thing I can do is try to stop myself from having these negative thoughts and feelings. But that is no easy task. And my attempt at staying away from Facebook didn't last very long at all. I simply cannot stay away from there because, even though it makes me unhappy, I still want to see what's going on in her life. It's a horrible lose/lose predicament I find myself in. I just hope that I'll be able to resolve it soon and finally be at peace for the first time in weeks.
Posted byHocchan at 5:48 pm 0 comments
Le Sigh... Part 2
07 September 2010
Well, I'm not angry anymore. But that doesn't mean I've very happy. The anger has been replaced with depression and general feelings of melancholy. I don't know why things always seem to descend into the pits of despair so quickly for me. It must be a psychological thing. As a result, I've decided to attempt to stop looking at Facebook for the next few days. I don't know how long this endeavour will actually last but it's something I think I need to do. Because, you see, some of the problems actually stem from Facebook itself. The reason being that I'm one of the last people from my course to actually go to Japan. 90% of the class have already been in Japan for about a week and they're having lots of fun (obviously). This includes my girlfriend. The problem arises when they post their photos of Japan on Facebook. It's stupid to hear myself say this, but when I keep getting bombarded with pictures of everyone having fun, while I'm stuck here in rainy UK doing not very much it kind of makes me angry/depressed. I think I'm jealous of them for having fun while I'm not able to join in.
I know that it's a stupid thing to feel, but it's not exactly like I can help what I feel. The worst part is being apart from my girlfriend while she's thousands of miles away, having a lot of fun without me. It makes me feel so left out. I often wonder what I've done to deserve all this unhappiness. All I can attempt to do is to forget about everything for awhile and concentrate of something else for a change. Maybe in time I'll be able to come to terms with everything that's making me unhappy. I really, really wish I was in Japan right now though...but alas I don't leave for another 15 days.
Posted byHocchan at 3:30 pm 0 comments
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!
06 September 2010
Yeah, still angry...
Posted byHocchan at 8:43 pm 0 comments
Fuuuuuuuu-House
I think this image illustrates my feelings towards the International SHIT House at Nagoya University of Foreign Studies right about now...
Posted byHocchan at 3:59 pm 0 comments
Neuroticism
I had never fully understood the definition of 'neuroticism' until today when I decided to look it up. I had a sneaky suspicion that I would have some aspects of it in my personality but I never expected it to be a completely accurate depiction of what I'm like. It was as though they'd based their definition of the word on me. Everything trait of neuroticism was something I could identify with. From the constant feelings of depression and anxiety, to the borderline obsessive-complusive behaviour, they were all to be found in my personality. So I guess that makes me a neurotic? I don't know if that's the term. But it's not exactly a pleasing discovery (even though I had kind of expected it - which in itself is sort of neurotic).
I have no idea why I'm such a classic case of neuroticism. I don't know where it stems from. Could be why I always focus on the crap stuff that has happened in my life, rather than the good things. Though I swear, in my head, the number of majorly bad things far outnumber the number of good things that have happened. But maybe that's just my neuroticism clouding my judgement and making me biased. I don't know if there's any way to fix this personality problem. It's not quite as easy as saying 'don't worry, be happy' and expecting life to be sunshine and rainbows. I do wish I had the ability to stop worrying about things so much and to stop expecting the worst in everything. But it's difficult (there comes that negativity again). Sigh...
Posted byHocchan at 12:07 am 0 comments
99.9% Of Bacteria
04 September 2010
I've noticed an annoying trend recently with television adverts. There seems to be an obsession with getting rid of "99.9% of bacteria" in almost every product. And from the way they present it you'd think that you'd die a horrible, crippling death from these 'dangerous' bacteria if you didn't buy their products. There's one advert for some washing powder that has bacteria-killing action in it (99.9% of them). Seriously, what the fuck? Unless you're trying to launder the contents of a sterile room in a hospital, why the hell would you need to kill bacteria on your clothes (not that there's much to begin with). How have people survived until now with just normal washing powder if this product is so important? The answer: it's not required at all. It's a completely bullshit product.
There's another one for anti-bacterial wipes that's used to clean surfaces. Now I'm all for keeping surfaces clean, especially if they're used for food preparation. But seriously, in the advert they have someone eating food from the surface. Who would do that? Use a fucking plate! That way you won't give yourself food poisoning, and you won't need to use that product as much, if at all. And why is it that everything can only kill 99.9% of bacteria? You might as well say 100% of bacteria. Is it really 99.9%? Has anyone actually checked? Such bullcrap.
Posted byHocchan at 9:30 pm 0 comments
Calm Down, Dear!
Phew! Now that that small (massive) irritation is out of the way for the time being, I'll try and write a more constructive post. Not that anything's been solved by venting my frustrations on the blog, but at least it's taken my mind of the matter for a short period of time. That should give me a brief respite to calm down (dear) and think of a solution to the uber-crap situation I now find myself in. In the meantime though, I suppose it would be a good idea to update the current situation regarding the year abroad in Japan. I've finally heard from Yamaguchi University and they sent me my Certificate of Eligibility, as well as some other information regarding accommodation and stuff, in the post. I can't tell you how good it was to actually receive this stuff in the post. After months of anguish and torment, my nightmare was finally over. I could, at last, book my flights and begin preparations. Having gotten my Certificate of Eligibility, I recently went down to London to get my student visa from the Japanese Embassy.
The train tickets down to London were a rip-off. Cost me just under £100 altogether. And for that money, I got a seat on a train that was cramped and 45 mins late there, and 10 minutes late back. Shitty trains are so shitty in the UK. Thanks to the train being so late I wasn't able to spend as long as I would have liked in London. I spent about 30 mins in the Underground trying to buy tickets, then I went straight to the Japanese embassy and got my visa application sorted. Then I decided to go through Green Park and take a look at Buckingham Palace since it was so close. After that I had just over an hour to head down to the Japan Centre and buy some lunch, then head over to Uniqlo and buy a t-shirt. I didn't have time for anything else after that so I just headed back to the train station via the Underground. I don't know if people who have to use the Underground everyday during rush hour share the same opinion, but I found the experience to be very enjoyable. The speed and convenience of the system is very nice, and I liked the feeling of navigating the tunnels as I went from station to station. It was kind of warm down there though, that was the only thing. They could do with some air conditioning in there or something.
After waiting a few days my visa arrived in the post this morning, as they had said it would. I don't know why the photo they've used for the visa turned out so dark though. The photo that I gave them was fine. Maybe they have a shitty scanner or something? In any case, I'm all sorted now for Japan. I have my visa, my accommodation, my plane ticket, and very soon I'll be packing my stuff. There's still some crap to sort out thanks to SHIT-house, but one step at a time.
Posted byHocchan at 6:33 pm 0 comments
Fuck You, Nagoya!
WARNING!! Extreme profanities are in the following post. Reader discretion is advised. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Not all of Nagoya, mind, but rather just a small part of it. Namely the fucking shitty piece of shitty-shit that is the International House at Nagoya University of Foreign Studies. Thanks to their tossing whorebag cocking ridiculous rules about visitors, my plans to visit Nagoya are now completely fucked up the backside with a rusty mace. My original plan had been to set off for Japan on the 22nd September, arriving on the 23rd, to spend a few days with my girlfriend in Nagoya before heading down to Ube in Yamaguchi. However, it now turns out that the stupid fucking piece of wank I-House will not even allow visitors to even step into people's rooms, nevermind actually stay there for the night. What kind of fucked up shit is that exactly? What do they expect me to do, completely destroy the place? Spread an infectious disease that wipes out the population of Nagoya? Just what the fucking-fuck is the point of that dicking rule? If you couldn't already tell, I'm pretty angry about this. Not only does it mean that I'll no longer be able to spend as long with my girlfriend as I would have liked, it also means that I'm going to have to spend more money renting a hotel room for the 4 nights that I'm going to be there.
But that's not the end of the bullshit, oh no! There's further steaming piles of putrid horse crap about to splatter at 100mph into my face. As a result of an utterly piss-poor wifi connection at the SHIT-House (might as well be called that), it means that my girlfriend has to go downstairs, into the public area just to be able to connect to the internet. Yeah, it'll be really nice to have a nice private conversation with her when there are a hundred faggots running around the place, looking at our conversation. And that's even if she does bother to come all the way downstairs to spend maybe 10-15 minutes talking to me. There goes the chance to actually have some meaningful communication with her whilst we're hundreds (thousands at the moment) of miles away from each other. Thanks, SHIT-House, thanks for trying to fuck up my relationship with your cock-shit rules. Bastards. Twats. Mother-fucking wankers. Go fuck yourselves, you utter wank-baskets.
Posted byHocchan at 4:29 pm 0 comments
