Day 47 - Losing The Battle
31 October 2010
Things are not good at the moment. I'm feeling the worst I've been since I arrived in Japan. This last week has been pretty shitty to say the least. It had all been looking quite good up until last Monday. I'd gone to visit my girlfriend for her birthday and we had a really enjoyable time together. But as soon as I left and returned back to Yamaguchi university my mood suddenly plummeted and I found myself getting really depressed again. I don't know what it is exactly that's making me so unhappy. I believe it might have something to do with the sudden separation from my girlfriend again. Having had such a good time over the weekend it must have hit me that I'm not going to see her again for at least another month. It's kind of like the trough after the massive peak. I hope I'm going to be able to recover from this current spell of depression. My fighting spirit has well and truly been extinguished and I'm finding myself floating around in the doldrums of despair.
I should be happy, I know that. I'm in Japan; the place I've wanted to be in for years. But things haven't turned out as I expected. Yamaguchi is not the image I had of Japan, and the fact that I'm now in a relationship but separated from her by hundreds of miles is killing me inside. Had I been single I don't think I would be having so many problems right now. But that's not to say that I wish we weren't together. I love my girlfriend (perhaps too much sometimes) and I wouldn't want to be without her. It's just that, at the moment, I can't help but look forward to next August when I'll be able to go back home. I'm constantly looking forward to the near future and wishing the days and weeks would pass quicker. It's only been just over a month since I've arrived so there's time for my feelings to change. But at the moment the future isn't looking too bright...
Posted byHocchan at 6:15 am 0 comments
I Hate That Bastard!
25 October 2010
I really, really do!
Posted byHocchan at 6:09 am 0 comments
Day 24 - The Trenches
08 October 2010
The situation has become like the long, drawn-out trench warfare of World War I. Every day there seems to be a new enemy to fight. And every day is an uphill struggle to avoid falling into the pits of despair again. I don’t know why it’s become like this again. It was all going so well only a week or so ago. But recently it seems to be getting a lot tougher to keep my spirits up. While I still have enjoyable moments throughout each day, whenever there’s a lull in proceedings I tend to feel a sense of uneasiness wash over me. And no matter how much I keep trying to tell myself that it’s only a temporary spell, I can’t help but worry that it’s becoming more frequent and more tangible with each occurrence. I fear that I may be turning back into the person I swore I would not become ever again. If that happened then I would lose everything I’ve worked so hard for, and that’s probably the biggest demon I face right now – the fear of returning to a state of depressive paranoia.
The war is by no means lost, however, I still have plenty of fighting spirit left in me. I have the determination and the willpower to overcome this obstacle. I’m not going to let all that’s precious to me slip out of my grasp again. I refuse to be beaten. I will succeed. I will be happy.
Posted byHocchan at 10:14 pm 0 comments
Day 19 - The Tide Is Turning
04 October 2010
It's been awhile since I've written a status report. It's partly due to the lack of internet in my room and partly due to the fact that there have been a lot of things to do since arriving in Japan. Unfortunately, it seems as though it’s going to take a little bit longer until I get internet in my room. There seems to be some sort of problem with my application but I’m not entirely sure what that problem is. They’ve told me to call them but I’m not very confident about being able to understand what they’ll say if it’s something technical. I might have to get someone to help make the call for me. Why can’t anything ever be simple? *sigh*
That last sigh brings me onto the current status of my psyche. While it’s been fairly good for the last week or so, I’ve noticed that the negative thoughts are slowly, but surely, creeping back into my head again. It feels like the tides of war are turning, and not in my favour. It’s not that I’m letting them control my actions again. It’s just that it seems to take a lot more effort to remain positive and dispel the negative thoughts from my head. It gets very tiring after a while if you constantly have to cheer yourself up. I’m feeling despondent at times, even though I shouldn’t be. I’m fighting it, I really am. But it’s a war of attrition at the moment…
Posted byHocchan at 8:53 pm 0 comments
