Ichiban no Takaramono
11 July 2010
It's been awhile since I've written anything on this blog. I suppose if you look at it positively, it was due to the fact that I was enjoying university life so much that I didn't have time to update. However, I think it was more likely to be down to my laziness... but that's not to say that I wasn't enjoying myself these last six months. In fact there have been a lot of developments since my last update. I've managed to attain three out of the five items that were in my wish list (I'd better update that) for a start. I've also managed to complete my second year at university with some fairly decent grades (although I would have liked them to have been slightly better). I'm even in a relationship with an amazingly beautiful and wonderful person. Life should be absolutely fantastic... shouldn't it? Unfortunately, things aren't quite as satisfactory as they should be.
Over the last couple of months there have been some rather unwanted developments that have put a dampener on things. It was only one at first but then another thing came up, then another, and it all kind of snowballed into one big lump of arse-turd from there. I don't even know where to start. I guess from the chronological beginning is the best place. The first unhappy event was probably one of the things that had the biggest effect on the enjoyment of my life. This was finding out that I had been selected to go to Yamaguchi University for my year abroad in Japan. At the time, this was the worst possible thing that could have happened. That university was my last choice out of six. If there had only been five choices I would not have picked Yamaguchi University. I would have been happy with ANY of the other five universities on my list. It seems that fate has a particular fondness for fucking up my life just when it starts to get good.
It took a little while but I finally managed to look on the positive side of things and be able to look forward to going on my year abroad again. However, just as things were about to get back on track I ran into another problem. It seemed that my panic attack problem (at least I think that's what it is) came back with a vengeance. I've always had some sort of health problem since I was about twelve years old whereby I would feel sick in stressful situations. It wasn't a normal type of nausea though, it only affected my the back of my throat. It would typically appear if I began to panic, though it could also happen suddenly and without warning. The fear of it happening (and the possible embarrassment of people seeing me feeling sick or panicking) would also trigger it and make it worse. It became a vicious circle. It completely ruined my life. I became afraid of going anywhere or being in 'inescapable' situations. But every few years it would disappear and I could begin to rebuild my life. From about the age of about nineteen it had almost completely disappeared. I even managed to make it into university and enjoy a couple of worry-free years there.
However, in the last few months I've found that it's come back. And it's already interfering with my life in a big way. I've reverted back to the person I was in my early teens, where I would be anxious about travelling long distances for fear of my panic attack coming back. This has begun to put pressure on my relationship as it means I'm reluctant to travel anywhere to meet my girlfriend. It's not like I don't want to, but the fear and anxiety stops me. I don't know how I'm going to survive the flight to Japan (if I get to go, but more on that bit later) or even the journey down to London to get my visa. I'm praying that it'll go away soon and I can get back to normal. But if it doesn't I'm going to have to try and find a way to cope with this old menace.
The next problem that came up kind of triggered a load of smaller worries that have stressed me out and generally made me miserable. It goes back to Yamaguchi University and their disorganisation and lack of communication. I completed my application forms and sent all the documents they required a couple of weeks before the deadline. I didn't expect there to be any problems. However, after a few weeks of waiting I received word that they required an additional document to prove my ability to fund myself when I'm in Japan. I had already included a letter from the Student Loans Company that stated how much I would receive next year. But for whatever reason they kept telling me that I needed to send them a bank statement, completely ignoring everything I told them. It wasn't until only a couple of weeks ago that they realised what the Student Loans Company letter was for. They've only just begun to apply for my Certificate of Eligibility (the document from the Japanese government that allows me to apply for a visa). But from the way they've worded their correspondence, there's a chance that it may be rejected.
To makes matters worse, I won't be getting a scholarship at Yamaguchi University when almost all of my classmates will be. The delay in processing my application has also meant that I don't even know if I'm able to go to Japan yet, so I can't book flights or get my visa. I can't sort anything out until I know if I'm going, and when I have to be there by. It's been really stressful and irritating. Meanwhile, everyone around me has pretty much finished their preparations. This includes my girlfriend, who is going to a university about 400 miles away (which doesn't help). I'm very ashamed to say this, but I'm beginning to feel jealous of her. I really wish that I wasn't in this situation. I wish that I was going to a different university, one that would have told me everything by now. I could have booked my flights, got my visa, and sorted everything out by now. If only it wasn't Yamaguchi University that I was selected for!
Long story short, I've basically been completely and utterly screwed over just because I've been chosen to go to Yamaguchi University. I've been caused undue stress and worry just because they couldn't be bothered to keep me informed (despite my constant e-mails). I hate them. I've built up a great resentment to Yamaguchi University for ruining my life. Ruining my dream of going abroad to Japan. I hate them.
Posted byHocchan at 1:05 am
