Le Sigh... Part 3
11 September 2010
Apart from a few brief moments before bed last night and again earlier this afternoon, I've yet to get over the debilitating depression that has gripped hold of me recently. It seems like I spend 90% of the day feeling like crap, and the other 10% is spent trying to take my mind off the depression (usually unsuccessfully). What's worse is that the person who I most wish would take notice of my pain seems oblivious to my suffering. This in itself makes my depression worse when I think about it. And I'm always thinking about it. I can't seem to stop myself from constantly having depressing or negative thoughts. It's even gotten to the stage where I feel the depression physically in my chest. It feels like there's a huge weight pressing down on me. And my sleep pattern has been totally messed up. I spend most of the day feeling exhausted and sleepy, but when I try to sleep I end up waking up every few hours. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks. I don't think that is helping the situation.
I still don't know what is causing this horrible feeling of unhappiness. At least not exactly. I have a general idea of what it is but I can't tell whether my judgement is being clouded by the depression. I really wish there was some way to solve this problem but I just can't see it. It would help if the most important person in my life would lend me some assistance. But it just doesn't seem to be happening at the moment. So I end up feeling all alone, completely forgotten about. I don't think I've been this unhappy for many years.
Posted byHocchan at 5:53 pm
I think your issues require more than your particular support person can handle. I remember when I was in college, I went through a major episode like you are going through. My support person often got upset with me and couldn't understand that it wasn't something that I could just "stop" doing or feeling...at least not from my perspective. I ended up seeing a counselor to talk about my problems with a neutral person. This helped me get things off my chest that I couldn't tell anyone else (at least not without hurting them in some way). People don't realize the physical strain that depression puts you through. It literally eats at you and like you said, it's a big pressure inside your chest or head. It's a constant nagging of what could or should be. A million voices in your head telling you everything you are doing wrong and making you feel like you are a worthless speck in the universe. It's a carnival mirror that distorts everything until you don't know what the truth is. To make things worse, people are constantly telling you to "get over it" or "stop moping and move on" and the truth is, we'd like nothing more than to do so but unfortunately it's just not that easy. It's like driving down a road and coming face to face with a big gaping hole and a car full of passengers asking you "why are you stopping? Just keep going." It's like they can't see this huge hole right there in the middle. I've been where you have been, my friend. As much as you may feel like it, you are not alone.
Thank you for your comment, Tamara. Everything you have described has been applicable to my situation. It really is a very hard thing to get through. But I feel like I'm finally able to move on from this episode. Wish me luck and lend me your strength ^^
I'll use the serenity prayer and give you strength:
God, grant us the...
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.